Merry Happy

         This wasn't the first time that Antonio and Lovino had woken up in the same tiny bed, facing each other with their cold noses touching, hair ruffled and still tired as all hell, but smiling at each other and not getting out of bed because of the harsh January air that blew through the cracked-open window of Lovino's dorm room.  Lovino was always up first, to sit up and to catch the sun rise and to watch Antonio sleep and to just think about all the little things that bounce around his brain at night, but if Antonio did so much as shift under the sheets, Lovino would lie back down and wrap his arms around the other as gently as possible and hold him close until Antonio was still once again.  He knew Lovino would do this, however, so this game of Antonio pretending to wake up and Lovino stopping him from doing so would continue for hours at a time, until Lovino would realize the other was faking, and would quietly scold him through Antonio's sleep-dusted laughter.

         Antonio missed those mornings as he sat at his dimly-lit desk, working on some paper that was most likely overdue, his glasses pushed up onto his forehead as he typed, the slightly bent wire frames tangling with the unruly chocolate curls on his forehead.  He couldn't help but replay the last conversation he had with Lovino in his head, over and over again, until his blistered fingers finally slowed to a crawl.

o-o-o-o-o

[One new message

From:  Lovi

Come up to my room.  I need to talk to you about something.]

         That was all that was sent to Antonio, leaving him somewhat confused and his mind reeling in both excitement and mild discomfort.  He slowly got up out of his chair with a loud creak and headed down the hall towards the old elevator that he knew dripped residue from the air vent, and pushed the up button.  Lovino lived five floors above Antonio, on the seventh floor of their dorm, and as the curly-haired eighteen-year-old rode up the elevator and avoided the greasy residue from the ceiling, he couldn't help but feel a little nervous about talking to Lovino.  He always did, without much of a reason, but in his mind, talking to Lovino was different than talking to anyone else.  They had only met a month ago at the most, when Antonio fell ill and Lovino tended to him for a few days.  It hadn't been a long time at all; it was only two days into their meeting that they slept together for the first time (not sexually, mind you, Antonio didn't want Lovino to leave while he was ill).  However, as time passed, they both seemed to desire to sleep together all the more, and before he knew it, Antonio had found himself longing to be in a relationship with Lovino - he wanted more touching, he wanted more interactions, he wanted more flirting and more cuddling and he just wanted more Lovino.  He found himself smiling a dorky little smile and he felt his face grow hot as he stepped out of the elevator, barely managing to avoid the dripping oil leak, and floated towards Lovino's room, all the nervousness gone for the moment as he opened the door and smiled cheerfully at the always-busy Italian man.

         “I'm here, Lovi!  What did you wanna talk about—”

         “We shouldn't sleep together anymore, Antonio.”

         There was a pause.

         “...what?”

         “Sit down.”

         Lovino pointed to his bed, where they had so often cuddled and slept together, and motioned for Antonio to sit, which he promptly did, his hands folded on his knees and his face nothing short of shock.  Lovino rolled his eyes and turned back to his confused friend, fiddling with the pencil shoved behind his right ear.

         “You know you have a girlfriend back home, Tonio.  You can't do this to me, for her sake.  It's just...not right,” he explained in a quiet voice, different than anything Antonio had heard out of his mouth prior to this moment.  He had practically forgotten about Bella himself, and his face fell when words failed him.

         They had grown up together, Antonio and Bella.  She was a year younger than he was, a year behind him in school, and the cutest girl Antonio had ever known in his entire life.  She was the person Antonio constantly wanted to be around, to be in a relationship with, and to love for the rest of his life.  He was absolutely sure that Bella was the one he was going to marry and have children with and grow old with, and he was absolutely beside himself with excitement when she took initiative and asked him out when she was a sophomore in high school, and he was a junior.  Antonio, surprisingly, was the one to run this relationship, in a way – he found out shortly after dating that Bella was very shy when it came to romance.  She rarely, if ever, let Antonio kiss her, and even more rarely would she kiss him.  She wasn’t comfortable with most physical contact past holding hands on the way to school or leaning up against him in a movie theater.  It was almost like she was afraid; afraid of the romantic aspect and the sexual aspect of being in a relationship, and Antonio, as much as he hated to admit it, was affected by this.  He was a teenage boy going through puberty in all its aspects, and he had urges and thoughts and mindsets that Bella simply didn’t seem to have.

         It had gotten to the point where Antonio was going away for college, and Bella was staying back in their hometown.  After seeing her run out of the room, in front of his and her parents both, and break down weeping on the front porch of his house just mere minutes before he had to leave to the airport, though, Antonio had decided to try a long-distance relationship with Bella.  So he moved, not too terribly far away, but enough so that there were entirely new people in the vicinity, and kept his relationship with Bella mainly through instant messaging and emails.  Though, to Antonio, this didn’t seem like quite enough, and throughout his college endeavors thus far (he was a freshman in his second semester), he had found himself not only being labeled as gay, but also finding himself interested in people of the same gender.  He had decided to label himself as pansexual for the time being, and then he met Lovino.

         And then he met Lovino.

         “...Oh.  Yeah, you’re right,” Antonio mumbled quietly, “We probably shouldn’t do that sort of thing, huh?”

         “Would your girlfriend be okay with you being this intimate with me?” Lovino nodded, emphasizing his point as Antonio shook his head slowly, “Exactly.  That’s what I thought.  So no more of this unless we’re both single.”

         “Okay,” Antonio responded, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt at the moment.  He felt his heart sink, as everything he’d ever believed about Bella came to a crashing halt, all because of this one young man who he never thought would touch his heart as much as he did.  “...Okay.”

         “You know that I want to do it just as much as you do, Antonio,” Lovino said with one of his rare smiles crossing his lips, “I mean...I really do like you.  You probably figured that much out by now.”

         “Sí, I did,” the curly-haired young man responded quietly, “I know that.”

         There was what seemed like a long silence before Lovino spoke again.

         “When’s the last time you talked to her anyway?”  Antonio had to stop and think about this; it had been a long while since he even logged onto his computer’s chatting system, it seemed.  It must have been at least a week.

         “Probably a week or two,” Antonio finally responded, a bit lazily and with a shrug throw in, “I don’t talk to her too often anymore, really.”

         “You should tell her about us, then,” Lovino said sternly, shooting Antonio an intimidating look that almost acted as a threat.  Antonio nodded quickly before heading out of the room, since Lovino’s nose was buried back into his books once more, and he wasn’t going to listen to anything else Antonio said for a while.

o-o-o-o-o

         Antonio let out a small sigh as he rested his chin in the palm of his hand, glancing over his writing and hoping it would be enough to earn him a passing grade before saving and closing the document.  Just before he was about to shut his computer down for the afternoon, he noticed the chat rooms he used to use so often to talk to Bella and a few of his other friends.  He wondered if they missed him, and before he knew it, he had signed in and was waiting for anybody to send him a message.

         It wasn’t for about fifteen minutes until Bella sent him a message.  Antonio swallowed hard, regret flooding through his mind as he typed, but not able to stop his mindset from accomplishing its goal.

         [BelleBelle:  Hallo, Tonio!    How’re you?  It’s been a long time!]

         Antonio’s fingers were quick on the keys, despite his sluggishness while writing his overdue paper.

         [TomaTonio:  Hola, Bella.  Um, do you think I could talk to you about something serious?  It’s pretty important.]

         About ten anxiety-ridden minutes passed before Bella sent a reply asking what the matter was in what seemed like a panicked tone.  Antonio ran his fingers through his frizzy air, knocking his glasses off his head in the process, and without even showing any signs of noticing, typed everything out he could think of at the moment.

         [TomaTonio:  Bella, do you remember me telling you about how I discovered that I liked both girls and boys while I was away at college?  Well...I do.  And there’s a boy here that I’ve really come to like.  He’s that boy who helped me while I was sick, Lovino, I think I told you about him.  I also know that I’m in a relationship with you, and I need to let you know that you haven’t done anything wrong at all.  You’ve been the absolute perfect girlfriend and I’m the one who’s changing and who’s being a jerk throughout this whole ordeal.  I hope that after this, we can still keep that special relationship we’ve gained over the last seventeen years together.  I’m so, so sorry, but I want to start dating Lovino.  Please, though, no matter what happens, I don’t want to lose your friendship.  Please don’t hate me.  I’m sorry.]

         Antonio waited another ten minutes or so before actually sending the message, and while he was waiting for Bella to respond, he started talking to his two best friends he had left back at home, Francis and Gilbert, and naturally, he told them what was happening.  Francis and Gilbert both seemed to have seen this coming for a while now, which was not reassuring in the least to Antonio, who was starting to get emotional from behind the computer screen.  Gilbert and Francis, however, both wished Antonio good luck with Lovino and with Bella and with college life in general, and soon enough, Bella had responded.

         [BelleBelle:  I could never hate you.  I’m not happy...but I don’t hate you.]

         Antonio, once again, was not reassured in the least.  He felt stinging behind his eyes as he slowly typed out another response.

         [TomaTonio:  Good...I’m glad.  Thank you for being the best girlfriend I’ve ever had in my life.  You were absolutely perfect, in every way, and you didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t blame yourself for this.  It’s my fault, and I’m sorry.  Lo siento.  I look forward to seeing you again when I return for spring break later this year, though.  I want to play video games with you and laugh with you and watch movies with you like we used to when we were younger.  I don’t want that relationship to ever change between us, even if we’re not dating anymore.]

         There was hardly any time at all before Bella responded back.

         [BelleBelle:  That will never change, Tonio.  I promise.]

         Antonio quickly typed out another thank you and a quick goodbye before signing out of the chats and swiping at his watery eyes.  He sniffed and cursed at himself as his phone was suddenly buzzing violently with what he knew were messages from Facebook from relatives asking why his relationship was set to “single” again.  He shut his phone off and was about to throw it at the wall if not for Lovino standing there in his doorway.

         “Is...this a bad time?” the confused Italian mumbled, taking a tentative step back from the doorway.  Antonio nodded quickly and turned away, swiping at his eyes again and reseating himself at his desk, pretending to be absorbed in some book that he was holding upside-down.  Lovino sighed and walked over to Antonio and placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently, just enough to let Antonio know that he was sorry, and left the room, leaving Antonio in silence to cry to himself as much as he needed.

         About a half hour later, Antonio received a text that wasn’t from Facebook, and answered his phone tiredly.

[One new message

From:  Lovino

Need a shoulder?  I’m in my room.]

         Needless to say, Antonio was up there in a matter of minutes, and he didn’t let go of Lovino for another two hours.  Lovino didn’t seem to mind at all.

o-o-o-o-o

         One day had passed since Antonio had broken up with Bella, and he had taken every minute he could to psyche himself up to tell Lovino exactly how he felt and exactly what he wanted.  He looked so forward to cuddling with Lovino again; the feeling of being held close as he drifted to sleep in Lovino’s arms, and perhaps even the new experience of pressing his lips to the young Italian man’s before sleep engulfed them both.  He looked forward to being able to hold his hand places other than their own rooms and the hallways of their dorm, he looked forward to spending more and more time with Lovino until they practically lived together, and he looked forward to the new experience of falling in love with someone of the same gender.  It was all so exciting, so wonderful, and so unbelievably happy that he had almost forgotten about his break-up with Bella and its painful aftermath.  He knew it had been too short of a time, but in his head, this was all the time he needed.  He was ready, he was absolutely ready.

         Antonio was waiting in the guest chair in Lovino’s dorm room (Lovino always left his door unlocked for Antonio and for his roommate, who rarely, if ever, showed up) since he knew Lovino was at a party that he himself was too busy with schoolwork to attend.  Lovino hadn’t texted him since this morning, but Antonio wasn’t worried; he’d show up sooner or later, and when he did, Antonio was going to give him the tightest hug he could muster and say those three words that had been floating around in his head for the past couple of weeks or so.

         And right as he had reached the peak of his excitement, to the point where he could hardly breathe, his phone buzzed, and it was from Lovino.  He quickly opened the message, and laughed along as he texted back and forth with Lovino, talking about the party and how much Lovino wished Antonio could be there, and how slow the bus is going to take everyone home.  He felt his heart flutter as Lovino told him he needed to sleep, but he stayed awake and stayed alert regardless, as if he could fall asleep when he knew exactly what was going to play out in his head during the next ten minutes or so.

         Or, at least, he thought he knew.  He never thought he could be so wrong.

         As soon as Lovino walked in, he gave a small nod to Antonio, and quickly retreated to the bathroom to change into something more comfortable.  When he returned, he gave Antonio the most pained and most confused look that Antonio had ever seen on his face.  When the curious, green-eyed young man cocked an eyebrow in confusion, Lovino did not respond right away, and he averted his eyes as he sat down on the foot of his bed, near Antonio.

         “I don’t know if I should tell you what happened there.  I don’t want you hurt,” was all he said for the moment.  His arms crossed and uncrossed, his body seeming unsteady, and his expression flickered from several different emotions and finally settled on something like bitterness.  Antonio reached out a hand and placed it on Lovino’s knee, to which Lovino quickly took his hand in both of his own.  Antonio suddenly feared the worst, and his eyes grew wide.

         “I met a girl there; a really good dancer.  Her name’s Amelia, and she was my dance partner the whole time.  Soon, she started flirting with me and before I knew it, I was flirting right back, and...I hope to see her again.  I want to get to know her better.”

         And that was all Lovino said.  His eyes were downcast and his cheeks were flushed pink, and Antonio could have sworn he saw tears shimmering in his hazel orbs.  He absolutely refused to look at Antonio, and Antonio’s throat tightened at his words.  He had met a girl, a dancer named Amelia, at this party, and he wanted to ‘get to know her better.’  Even someone as dense as Antonio knew what that phrase really meant.  He was interested in this new girl.  More interested in her than in Antonio himself, despite what Lovino had told him not a week ago.  Did this mean that Lovino was lying?  Was Lovino messing with him?  Why hadn’t he just gone to this party and joined Lovino in the first place?  And why now, right after Antonio had gone through all the trouble of breaking up with his girlfriend of close to three years for the chance to start a relationship with Lovino?  Why?

         Antonio said not a word, but he nodded his head and forced a smile.  Lovino’s eyes narrowed at Antonio, and the curly-haired man shrank back a little.

         “Are you really alright with this, Antonio?”

         “...yes.  I am,” no I’m not, “I’m fine.”  I’m not fine at all.

         “You’re lying, Tonio,” Lovino said bitterly, as he glared at the other man sitting on his bed.  Antonio didn’t know how to answer, and he forced back any sign of tears in his eyes as he shook his head slowly from side to side.

         “I’m not.” Yes I am.  “Why would I be upset about you finding someone you liked?” Because you loved me and I love you and I want to be with you—

         “Because it just isn’t fair to you,” Lovino mumbled, his head slightly lowered as he spoke quietly, rubbing his upper arm, “I know how you feel about me.  It isn’t fair.  I’m not being fair.”

         “You always say life isn’t fair, Lovi,” Tonio responded, maybe a little too quickly, and cleared his throat, “I’m fine.  I’ll either stay like this for a while or find someone else as well.”  I can’t find anyone else; you’re the one that I love, Lovino.

         “You’re a horrible liar, Tonio,” Lovino said without batting an eyelash, turning his glare so that his eyes pierced right through Antonio’s surprised ones.  It took all of Antonio’s effort to mumble the words that he did without throwing himself into Lovino’s arms.

         “...What else am I supposed to say, though?” his voice barely escaped his throat, and it was little more than an airy whisper, “I can’t be angry at you for finding someone you like at a party that I didn’t go to, can I?”

         “You should be,” was Lovino’s only response before getting up off the bed, kneeling in front of the chair Antonio was sitting in, and pulling him into a tight hug, “...You should be angry at me.  I know why you broke up with Bella, Tonio.  You did it for me, and you were probably waiting up here to ask me out, weren’t you?”  Antonio didn’t answer, and he just sat there, his chin resting on Lovino’s shoulder, focusing on a spot on the wall, wondering if he was really that easy to read, and listening to what Lovino was saying, but not comprehending at all, “...I’m not even really sure how I feel about you.  You mean a lot to me, but still...”

         Antonio felt himself getting teary-eyed again, and proceeded to rest his forehead against the shoulder presented to him and wrap his arms around Lovino loosely, his sore fingers tugging gently at the fabric of Lovino’s shirt as he took in his--the wonderful Italian’s scent and tried not to let any tears fall.  He shut his eyes and pretended that this was just like any other day, cuddling with Lovino in his bed and feeling the breaths on his neck as they came just a little slower than his own.  He pretended that Lovino hadn’t gone to the party, that he hadn’t met Amelia, and that everything had turned out exactly how it had been planned inside his own little head – as togetherness.  Wonderful, wonderful togetherness.  Life was so beautiful with Lovino in his arms or him in Lovino’s.  Nothing could affect either of them, time slowed to a crawl and sometimes to a screeching halt, and the cloudy sky cleared up for a while if they just closed the window and focused on each other’s heartbeats.

         However, sooner than Antonio would like, Lovino let him go and walked back to his desk, leaving Antonio all alone in the chair that was suddenly far too large for him.  It wasn’t fair, not fair at all, but life wasn’t fair, was it?  Antonio slowly got up and dragged his feet towards the door again, under the excuse of using the restroom, and headed out to the balcony that lead to the staircase that no one on the seventh floor ever used.  Antonio didn’t even care that it was raining; that was better in his case, nobody would be able to tell that there were tears in his eyes or rolling down his cheeks or soaking his shirt.  He approached the brick wall that only went up to his navel and gripped onto the wet metal rail there with as much force as he could, until his knuckles turned white, cracked with the cold weather they’d been having this winter.

         Antonio could see his breath in quick white puffs as he exhaled a shuddering breath and lowered his head, feeling frigid raindrops on the back of his neck that rolled down into the back of his sweatshirt.  He shut his eyes and let himself cry there on the balcony, leaning his head over the brick and the railing as he tried to breathe and choked on the foggy winter air.  His hot tears felt like needles on his cheeks that were rosy with frigidity and frustration, and he could hardly differentiate between the tears he wiped away and the rainwater that smeared across his face when he could move his hands again.  He was soaked, and he was a mess, inside and out; a broken, tear-stained, heartbroken, teenage mess.  He had given away the best gift he could ask for and he was selfish enough to expect something in return.  He had been foolish, just as Lovino had always said he was.  Lovino was right.  He always was.

         Antonio never went back to the seventh floor.